Thursday, September 24, 2009

Ahh, how deliciously dangerous simplicity can be!

I remember being a kid at my elementary school and finding the most simple things fascinating. Like this for example:

I may look innocent. But man, I will fuck you up!

Teachers used to actually let us play on these things! When was the last time you remember a teacher say “Ok kids, here are some smooth rolling scooter things with wheels that can pinch the shit out of your fingers. Here is also a very slick gym floor with almost no padding anywhere.. “

Ahh the good times! Pant pissers flying every where now! One kid bashes into the basketball pole, another into little Billy. Whats this? Some bully is challenging me?? Oh its on now. He sits like a raging bull at the other side of the gym while the other unsuspecting kids continuously keep getting picked off by other stinky children. The booger eating kid is chasing the girls around. One kid would rather just roll the scooter by itself than be on it… Loser.

But the bully and I? No no, we were on our own level. For those few moments, we had our own dimension and nothing else existed. Just me and him. I steady my knees on the board, dig my BK Knights Light up shoe into the gym floor for a solid take off. We are off! The stale, sweaty gym air roaring past us as we go about fucking mach 2 towards each other. We get closer and closer. Our eyes are locked in a dead stare as we close in for the attack.. I can see the bullys crooked teeth getting larger and larger. Im sure he could see my large head with wire framed glasses getting larger. We can almost smell each other at this point! Will this lowly, big headed nerd finally get sweet sweet revenge?

For some reason, we had never given a thought about “What if we change our minds?” These scooters have 4 wheels that all turn. There is no way to control yourself at this speed and we both realized our error. I can now see hesitation in the bully’s eyes! Is he going to chicken out? Will the nerd finally prevail? NO! We collide! His jagged teeth rip through my forehead like jagged teeth rip through peoples foreheads! My glasses come unscrewed and the sharp end of the frame slices through his cheek like something that slices through cheeks really really well. His board flips up and knocks out one of his teeth as well as hit me in the face and causes major lip biteage and massive finger pinching. We both topple to the floor. Blood and sweat and teeth and pain everywhere! He started crying, I started crying, we both got sent to the nurse and then home for the day. It was amazing! I think I won because he never picked on me again. Maybe it was a common agreement between us that we just both knew we were total badasses.

A picture that will haunt me forever..

Moral of the story? Ignorance is fun!

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